I've never had a blog before. I've wanted to make one, but just haven't done so until this morning.  I wanted to make this blog for myself.  I don't care if anyone ever sees it or comments on it.  I just wanted a place to express my thoughts and possibly post some of my artwork.  I look at art magazines all the time, and there is one in particular that has inspired me to create a blog—Artful Blogging.  It's such a beautiful magazine as far as pictures go.  I just love the vivid colors and the creativity of people.  It's so inspiring to me.  So here is my attempt at an artful blog.  I don't even know what exactly I plan to do with this blog.  I'm a teacher and many times I feel the need to express how I feel as a teacher and as a mother and wife, but I often just vent to a friend; however, I'd like to document these emotions and thoughts some place a little more permanent.  I suppose it's a little silly to want to do so, but it is important to me.  I will most likely regret things that I write or post at some point.  I have, in the past, had a difficult time feeling good about myself.  I'm angry a lot and I don't understand why I should be, but I am.  Since my mother passed away from cancer (like 7 years ago) I have not been the same.  I don't find joy in the same things that I had before.  One would think that after 7 years, one would find a way to move on and past the pain of such a loss, but I have found it difficult.  The thought of it this morning makes me want to cry all over again.  I loved my mother dearly and I wish we had had more time together.  I wish she could see my little girl now that she is 9 and turning into a young woman.  Yes, 9 and already I see signs of puberty coming on.  She is such a great kid. My mother would have loved spoiling her.  I could just see the three of us shopping (stereotypical I know) and having lunch together like she and I used to do when I was young.  I wanted to experience motherhood with my mother beside me and I just feel so robbed of all of that.  I get angry at God at times for taking her from me and Maddie and my step-father.  It has changed everything in my life and I can't see God's plan.  I try, but I don't see why it had to go this way.  Why not some other way.  Why is my step-dad now married to some other woman who, don't get me wrong, is very nice, but I don't see why her?  I had visions of my dad being more involved in my life and in my daughter's, not less involved because now he has another family.  I've been robbed, I guess that is just how I feel at times.  I've been robbed of a life that I envisioned.  I know I need to let it go and begin again, but it's difficult.  I can tell my mind, stop wallowing in self-pity, get up, get out there, and begin to dream again, but it's a different story getting that into my heart.  I used to pray all the time, I used to hope all the time—now, all my hope is for other people.  I have no doubts about the grand things God has planned for others, but I have little hope for myself.  As I write this, I'm thinking, "how ridiculous, of course he has plans for you."  Double conversations going on all the time in my mind.  Very conflicted.  I suppose that is all I have to say at this time.  The rest is just rambling on about the same sort of things.